The Garbage Gods Do It Again

Saturday, November 18, 2017

by

Abby Zimet, staff writer

 1 Comments

Oh man. Another Thanksgiving in dark times that don't inspire gratitude. Some are offering solicitous tips to a corrosively divided nation: For deplorables, a laughably inappropriate overture from Roy Moore fan Sean Hannity - "Dr. Hannity is back! Need advice on how to deal with you (sic) liberal relatives over (the) holiday?" - prompted a flood of righteous questions like, "Dear Dr. Hannity, If my dad's 32-year-old friend starts to molest my 14-year-old niece, how long should I wait before I knock him out with a gravy boat?" and, "My family members keep behaving like human beings who care about one another and even about people they don't know. Anything I can do about these scary liberal ideas?" For progressives gathering with relatives who somehow still support a Nazi-praising sexual predator, Showing Up For Racial Justice suggests tools to help "white people to break white silence about the danger of Trump’s presidency”; they also have a hot-line on issues, immigration to NFL protests, and placemats featuring vital questions like, "Whose land are you on?"

As usual, the execrable First Family isn't helping. The Loser-in Chief, who again split for Mar-A-Lago at a cost to taxpayers of up to $3.6 million, marked the holiday by feuding, whining and lying, including about what he's doing: After the hapless White House described Wednesday as “low-key,” they quickly clarified that the diligent Cheeto in fact "has a full schedule of meetings and phone calls.” Less than an hour later, he left to play golf - reportedly his 74th golf trip, at an estimated cost to taxpayers of $81 million. The press pool reported his motorcade passed several people holding signs; they included "Welcome home President Trump" and, maybe per that cool $81 mill, "Get off my lawn."

His perfidious, tone-deaf, money-grubbing daughter, meanwhile, was blithely offering demented decorating tips to the little people, bless their ignorant hearts. Bravely seeking to "go beyond the conventional cornucopia," Ivanka or a soul-selling copywriter explains on her website, she presents a "stylish mother of two" who has concocted a "timeless centerpiece for her tablescape," which word might only exist in Trumpland. A ghastly, grisly pile of driftwood, pine cones, moss, bones, tiny pumpkins (all white!) and unnamed detritus set in a giant (endangered by illegal poachers) clam, it provoked an online response best summed up by the proud boast, "We are the Garbage Gods!"

Because this is the sort of thing for which God invented Twitter, there were plenty of worthy entries. Many cited her odious hypocrisy: "For those without a table, this is irrelevant. For those with just enough money for food, this is irrelevant. For those without food, this is irrelevant. But America thanks you...DEAR Ivanka, we know how to decorate our Thanksgiving tables. W/what food we can each afford & family, friends...I have a LOT to be grateful for. I also have a LOT to lose when your father gets done giving those who cannot conceive of the concept of gratitude a large chunk of what keeps this household going." There were insults - "Ahhh, the festive garbage clam...Looks like your daddy's best word salad...Looks like the cabinet your father has appointed - none of that shit actually belongs there and it’s a big mess....the fuck is this" - and queries - "Will next year's display feature elephant tusks and tails?... I have so many questions, chief among them 'Why is Trump still president?'" - and one dazzling alternative vision, below. For them all we are, yes, grateful, a bit.  

The Hannibal Lecter centerpiece

 Little Donny

Thanks Ivanka

"As an alternative, consider the lovely simplicity of this stainless steel tray with matching flatware. Not only will it provide a timeless symmetry to your table, it will also be such a kind gesture to help prepare your family for holidays in a more institutionalized setting."